FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Monday, 6 September 2004

Introspection

Happy Labor Day to all Americans, and Happy Birthday to my darling niece. She's 11 today, and we are going over for a visit in a few hours to have hotdogs and birthday cake and also to see my dad. I love three day weekends!

I have politics buzzing in my head, so loudly that little else is getting through. We're down to the last stretch and I'm trying very hard not to think about what could happen. I'm also trying not to get so involved that I have no distance, because then I will be horribly emotional all the time and I'll make myself ill.

I woke up this morning ready to shred every scrap of paper in the house that we don't need to keep, but the mood didn't last. Neither did the topic I wanted to write about - that didn't make it down the stairs with me. I'm going to go brew coffee and see if I can remember.

And I did! As I was doing that half-awake musing that I do first thing in the morning, it struck me that my life is starting to move in a new direction. Work is becoming very different, in that while I'm still expected to do the tech writerly things that I do, I'm also being trained to be a storage engineer. I have week-long training coming up in two weeks, and I've got some homework to do before hand so I can understand the training. And it wasn't me who decided I should take this training, it was my boss (who might also be going - I think he should, but only if he goes the same week I do).

In my home life, I am reading and writing and running. That's about it right now. I went out with friends on Friday and expressed interest in the new women's group she's forming. Oh, and that's a whole different story. We talked about what happened when I left, and when the two of them who were still there at the end dissolved it, and it's kind of heartbreaking. She thought I'd been forced out, but I haven't ever felt that way. Yes, I was given a push, but I needed it. I'd been thinking of leaving for a while, but completely could not figure out how to do it or if leaving it as two or three people was the same as killing it. Her own story is different, but it's not mine to tell.

So, something which was a huge part of my life for twelve years and has laid dormant for two is coming back. And we agreed we don't want the same as what we had before, we have new directions we want to go. It will be good. I haven't made any evening commitments since those days, so this could be interesting.

But back to the new direction. Emotionally and mentally, I am moving on from where I was. I don't do this very quickly, but eventually things start to happen. I feel like I'm leaving my friends behind, while at the same time I'm going back and finding friends from years ago who I let fall away. (I did write that letter to my friend in Japan, it will get mailed tomorrow and then I hope by the time I go on vacation in October maybe I'll have a reply. Oh, HH, how I've missed you!) I still have friends here, but we don't do the same things anymore.

The thing that hit me the starkest about it is my friend Nan. She's been doing Ironman triathlons, which require a tremendous amount of training and dedication. She hasn't been around all summer, really, and I haven't called her in ages. We had tentative plans to go hiking this weekend, but I guess she was waiting for me to call and I didn't. I think I'm being tested, and I'm failing. I hate that kind of shit anyway, but I really wanted to call her this weekend and didn't. The last time I saw her was Danskin day, where between me and our other friend we screwed up and took off with her workout stuff. So she was mad at me, for somewhat good reasons. The fact that she told the other friend not to leave without her and not me is relevant, but I'm willing to accept blame for some of it and I told her so. But still, the only communication I've had with her since then is an email asking why I never call and if I wanted to go hiking this weekend. She didn't reply when I responded, so I don't know what's going on and I don't want to call her just to get yelled at.

I am not the one who went away for seven weeks this summer, I am not the one who trains thirty hours a week, and I am not the one who works two jobs most of the year to afford this habit. It's frustrating. But if she yells at me again I'm just going to tell her to call me when she wants a friend and leave it. I don't know what she'll do, she's never gotten mad at me before, and there were a few things she did that made it worse instead of better and I don't know if she even sees that.

I've known her since high school, and it pains me more than I like to admit that not only am I changing to the point where we may have nothing in common anymore, but I'm not comfortable calling her on her shit. I should, but I am not sure if that would irrevocably break the friendship. She's surprised me before with being more aware than I'd given her credit for (that was over ten years ago), but she's gone into a state that I can't follow and I haven't seen her all summer so I don't know. I'm going to call her this week and see if I'm worrying about nothing. Would like to see her and hang out, I really would.

So the possibility of having another friend fall out of my life (and for something so stupid) made me reasses some things in my subconscious. And I'm moving. On the surface things may look the same, but I think I get this restless thing going on when I start changing, and it shows to anyone who's looking.

I am such an introspective person anyway, and I spent more time than is really reasonable on seeking out motivation and causes and potential effects. I can paralyze myself with second-guessing everything, and I often am mentally working things out before any movement appears on the surface. I fall into ruts and I stay there until something happens to jolt me out. This is why my pulling up my resume over the last week and contemplating job seeking scared me - it has to be long past the reasonable point if I'm initiating change.

But I'm also impetuous and impulsive and intuitive, so who knows. It took Mr D a long time to figure out that I base my decisions on emotions, not logic. I can sometimes be persuaded to act rationally instead, but if something does not feel right to me, I won't do it. I also have an overactive conscience and sense of guilt (thanks, Catholicism), so if I do something I believe is wrong, however minor, I will torture myself with it for years. That's the kind of thing that comes up and haunts me in my sleep five years later. And no, I'm not kidding. This is why it's so hard to get me to budge on things I don't think are right.

I'm still mostly subterranean on a lot of this, but now I know it's coming. I love thinking, and I think my need for Alain de Botton's Consolations of Philosophy just became critical. I need to go book shopping, or see if I can get it out of the library today. Which I need to go do, after I shower. I smell.

Have a lovely week!

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