FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Tuesday, 5 April 2005

The Caterpillar

No need to break the mirror.
Here is the face shattered,
Good for seven years of sorrow.
WE Mirwin

That was one of the poems I performed in a class in college. It was part of a triad, and I did all three. I've never forgotten it.

I look at my face in the mirror. I examine the lines, the freckles, the blemishes, the wrinkles, but most especially the eyes, and the lips. I've forgotten what I look like. I don't remember my own face. I recognize it when I see pictures, but I don't think of my physical self in any kind of visual terms anymore. I only feel it, where it is in space and how it hurts from some of the things I do.

Who is that, in the mirror? Who am I? I'm afraid I've forgotten. The core of me is still here, waiting to be re-discovered somehow. I know, am completely aware of, my own existence. But I don't always remember that I am ME, the person inside the body. And I frequently forget the body.

Which is really odd for someone as physical as I am. I admit to cerebral distraction on a very regular basis, but it's not normal for me to lose my sense of physical self like this. I feel like I just woke up, and I'm not quite sure what was dream and what really happened. Am I imagining things? Did I really do that? Am I who I think I am? And what happened to who I used to be?

It's uncomfortable, this feeling. My body is unsure of its tenure, my mind struggles to place itself in this world it finds. Much as I like to grow and change and learn, I hate struggle. Most things have either come to me easily, or not come at all. I'm not good at anything in between, I get angry and I give up too easily. Which has held me back, frequently. It's stupid. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn, eh?

That for which you don't work, you don't value. Is that it? I need to work for this, in order to understand and move forward? I would truly like to know what it is I want, what I don't need, and how I feel, deep inside, about it.

Who am I? And what do I really want? I can't answer either of those questions right now.

No wonder I feel like the world is shifting all around me.

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