FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Wednesday, 4 May 2005

All By Myself

For some reason, I thought when I got married I'd never really be lonely again. But I was wrong. The solitude and loneliness are in my soul, so I take them with me everywhere. I also married someone who is every bit as capable as I am of needing alone time, so I get to be alone and lonely even when he's around. Not always, of course, but this time of year it seems to be a lot more frequent.

I'm lonely, dammit. I have all these things I want to talk about, and experiences to share and laugh about, and he's been sick for a week and has no energy to spare for the sharing of lives right now. I try not to get cranky and short about it, I try to understand because if I were the sick one, I wouldn't have energy either.

I am happy that my friend Nan called me back, because we're getting together tomorrow night to cook and drink some wine or something and catch up. I don't think I've seen her since March, so this will be fun. I'm hoping she'll want to go for a run with me first, and then we can do the cooking and things. I halfway suspect she'll want to go to the bar though, it being Cinco de Mayo and she being single. We'll see. I'd rather just hang out, but if she has an itch I suppose I'll hang out somewhere else with her.

I have fencing in under an hour but I don't want to go. I'm tired, I overexerted myself yesterday, I'm cranky, and my car is making a clangy noise when I stop. I suspect there's something metal (clamp, chain, something) that's loose, and maybe it's not a big deal, but it still worries me. Mr D's cars are currently not roadworthy (one simply doesn't really work, the other has expired tabs), so mine is the only one right now. Irritating, that is.

I find that somewhat symbolic of my life right now. He's falling apart, I'm barely keeping it together. I'm somewhat happy and hopeful at the moment; things at work are taking interesting and somewhat scary turns but at least it's interesting and I'm keeping busy. But this relationship, with the person to whom I'm married? I have no idea what it is right now. One or the other of us has been sick or overloaded for months now. Hmm, really it's been ever since we started fencing.

Fencing is fun, but it's two nights a week and that's two nights less I have for myself now. The salle takes a break for summer camps, so I can re-evaluate whether I want to continue in the fall. And I can focus on my running for a while instead.

I've been out in the woods twice now, and it's still fabulous. I love it. I tried a different route last night and it was fun, but really muddy. I pulled out my map to see if I could avoid going back down the slippery mud, and found if I went up the hill another half mile or so, I'd connect with the top of the first trail. Which I eventually did, but it took me a lot longer to find it. I had to go over two gates and around a fence, which messed with my mind a little. I tend to think those are there to keep people like me out, but really they were for keeping cars out. At least, I think they were. I found my trail and was only about a half mile over what I'd intended to do, but there was a lot more downhill involved than I usually do so now my knees are mad at me.

I don't feel quite so lonely out in the woods.

I'm not angry with Mr D, I just don't know what to do about this. He can't help where he is right now (although both of us could have avoided some of the earlier stuff that led me here). I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what he wants from me. And I need to figure that out.

I also need to figure out if I'm going to fencing in five minutes or not, so I will stop writing for now.

It's a big twenty minutes later. I checked the fencing website (Rain City Fencing) and the current class, which ends in another two weeks, is the last one for the season. It starts up again in the fall, after nationals and summer camps. So that's good, I've only got two more weeks and then I get my time back. I also decided not to go tonight. I got all ready and was about to put my shoes on when I realized I'm really tired, and my throat hurts. So I'm taking it easy. I might kick Mr D away from the television for half an hour to do some yoga, but otherwise I'm taking it easy.

I don't have answers for my loneliness. I don't know if it's me, if it's him, if it's the state of the world, if it's just that I'm unable to deal with it right now. I just know that my happiness mostly comes from things other than my relationship, and that is not something I want to continue. But I will let him get healthy first.

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