Saturday, 4 June 2005
I want. With a deep, fierce, hot need, I want. I am insatiable. No one can meet this wanting, no one can slake it, no one can take it away or fill it. I will always want, I will always need, and I will never be satisfied.
This doesn't mean I can't be content, it only means I will always seek. I will find, and I will marvel and wonder and delight, and then I will find the need for something else growing and requiring time and energy. I don't want to ever stop learning and seeking and growing and wanting. If I am not in motion, if there isn't anything I'm wanting or seeking or trying to learn, then I am stagnant and unhappy.
This doesn't mean I seek constant change. Far from it; I am bad at change and I don't like interruptions in my routine. But it does mean that I don't deal well with things that are static (stagnant). Constant evolution, incremental improvement, minor updates, these are the things I seek. I will probably never be satisfied with the status quo. I don't see this as a flaw, it is simply the way I am. I want to make things better, whatever that means at any given moment.
Stable and yet fluid. There is a foundation beneath it all, an internal core of stability and self-knowledge that allows me to seek outward but remain firmly planted. The times when I lose touch with that core are when I am depressed, uncertain, fearful. When I know, I know.
Kind of like the Red Queen - always in motion yet staying in the same place. Except it's not like I expend all my energy just to maintain the status quo, it's more like all the travelling and movement and seeking bring me ever closer to myself.
Hmm, interesting. I hadn't realized any of this, not consciously. I wonder what it means? Okay, that's disingenuous. I know what it means, in the here and now of my current life. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do about it or where it will take me from here.
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