Thursday, 4 August 2005
Have you ever had one of those times where the happy moments are fleeting and rare, and the regular backdrop of your life is painted with the sad brush? That's where I am right now. Melancholy, sad, unhappy, sorrowful. I'm not overwhelmed, most of the time, but I'm really not happy. I don't think I will be for a while.
I've been in this situation before, but usually without knowing the source of my feelings. This time, I know what they are. I am bringing this on myself, in a way, by refusing to pretend any longer that I can be satisfied with pieces instead of the whole. I'm not used to standing up for myself this way, for insisting that I am worth better than I'm getting and I will have it. Mostly, I want to make other people happy, but I can't do that this time. I simply can't. Right now, I can't even make myself happy, let alone anyone else.
It's a very lonely place to be. I keep looking for someone to relieve my loneliness, but I can't really do that either. It doesn't work, it only takes me away from it for a while (which is wonderful, as long as it lasts, and has probably done more to keep me going than anyone but me realizes). My friends are here, always, and my family. And, sometimes, Mr D. But every night, round about 11 o'clock, I cry. I'm overwhelmed, I'm burdened, I'm fighting so hard to cope with this, and there really isn't anyone who can help me. They can share wisdom, and tears, and help me sort it out when I can't see straight, but I have to carry this thing myself. And I'm so tired.
Sometimes I wish for a different kind of society, where I could retreat and meditate and not have to deal with the rest of the world while I struggle with myself this way. I wish I wasn't afraid to quit my job and take time for myself, but I am. It took me fifteen years to build my work into a career (an ever-shifting and constantly re-defined career at that) and I spent far too much time unemployed and failing to find work to willingly quit my job without another one lined up. It would be nice to find I had the kind of security where I could do that, but I don't. I have to live here and keep on working while I also work on all the internal and interpersonal issues with which I struggle.
Someone asked this week if I ever wished I could just walk away and leave the life I've built for myself and all my things, and I wish I could. Well, I know if I had to I would, but I would want to secure a place for my grandmother's things before I did. It wouldn't be easy to walk away from all I know, but I don't feel, right now, like there's very much I would miss here. And I really need to take some time to think about that.
If this isn't what I want, and I am beginning to suspect it's not, then I need to figure out what is.
Right now in my life, the world is shifting in too many ways. Work is in upheaval and I don't know where I'll land. Things at home are changing, and I still don't know how that will end up. The larger world is unbelieveably uncertain and tumultuous, in frightening ways. I feel very insecure and unstable, two things I really don't deal with very well. But I do believe some of this is the time in which I live, and there isn't anything I can do about the constant upheaval except remain flexible and keep hold of myself. I am strong, I am smart, I am capable, and I will be able to cope. Somehow.
I just wish I could get through all the sadness and the pain and out into the joy and fun again.
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