Sunday, 3 April 2005
I finally broke out season one of Popular, which Mr D bought me a while ago. Oh dear gods, it's so cringe-worthy! I watched it when it was brand new on television, I think right around the time I met Mr D, and I only watched part of the first season. It's very funny, but I am very glad not to be in high school anymore. I love high school movies (Heathers, Pretty in Pink, Clueless). I don't remember high school as being like that, the rigid heirarchy and strict rules. Maybe I was lucky that we moved so often, and I didn't ever get a chance to really see that.
I am not going to say I was popular, nor was I ostracized. But I've always had friends and I've always kind of gone my own way. I think I've always been lonely, too. Even now, with Mr D always there, I'm still lonely. I used to think that if I ever did get married (which I never planned to do), it would be to someone who shared everything with me, who was just like me and understood all that I am.
I'm not sure that's possible, anymore. I don't really think it ever was. A couple of guys came close, long ago, but I think some of that was that they shared observer status with me. They weren't in the center or on the edge, they were in between. I also am not entirely sure I want someone to get that close.
This isn't coming out right. I don't feel misunderstood, I believe he understands me in some ways better than I understand myself. I don't feel neglected (at least, not often!), and I do feel like I'm given room and space even when we're side by side. I'm not smothered. I'm not in the way or a burden. I'm not really sure what it is we have, but we have something here. The loneliness isn't about him, it's about me.
I don't let people close, and I don't let them in. Not much, and not well. It sometimes looks like I have, and from what I understand I let a lot more show on this page than I realize sometimes. But in the entire world, right now, not including Mr D, there are maybe three or four people to whom I feel safe in saying what's in the inside of my heart and my head. Some things I won't tell anyone. I don't like feeling this way, all walled off and private, and I wish there were more people I could talk to (and that any of them were actually here, so we could sit down and have a good long heart to heart).
I don't trust easily, not at that level. It's not that people have to prove themselves, that I test them to see if they're worthy. I don't exactly know how it is that I pick the people I'll bare my innermost self to. Longevity isn't all of it. Nor is spilling your secrets to me. I know depth of feeling is part of it, and that even if we've had times when we fell apart I'll still trust you once I let you in. (Yes, TripleJ, that's for you. You and Spaghetti Western Woman aka Tahoe Babe.)
I sometimes think life would be a lot easier if I didn't have any deep relationships, or any desire for them. I do remember how utterly lonely I was in the year I lived alone, and I also remember how much I loved being answerable to no one but myself. It's a balance, as I think most things are.
When my sister got married, she told me that she thought it was wrong to marry your soulmate. That you should marry someone who didn't understand you like that, because otherwise you were too close. That made me really sad to hear, because I didn't agree with her. I still don't. I'm just less certain now what it is I do believe about marriage. I never really thought about it in any clear way, especially since I never expected it to happen to me. What do I want out of this?
Well, I want love and trust and support. I want someone who will hold me when I'm hurt, who will help me up when I'm down, who will push me when I'm faltering, and who will tell me the truth. I don't want someone who can't handle my moodiness and my anxiety, or someone who thinks logic is more important than emotion. I am highly emotional and quite demanding, I know this. I want someone I can talk to for hours and hours, who won't make fun of my fancies and will take me seriously. I want to play, I want to sing, I want to dance.
I think we have that, me and Mr D, but there is a lot of the rest of the world getting in the way. His work is driving him crazy, and mine is making me anxious and sad. We have a lot going on, even when we're not doing anything. It never feels like we have much time for ourselves. Fencing is really fun, and we've started drilling against each other to avoid some of the people we don't really want to work with. But we both know it's his thing and I'm only there for fun at this point. I've almost quit every month when it comes time to renew, because two nights a week is a big commitment and because the stance and moves of fencing hurt my back and neck. But it's fun, and for now I continue.
It would be a lot easier if we didn't have to deal with everyone else in the world, but we do. And sometimes I falter, and sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing. Sometimes I know we did. Everything is different now than it was when we met. It bothers me a lot that I sometimes doubt. I didn't think that would ever happen to me. I need to get a better handle on why that is, and what I can do to fix it. Can it be fixed? I hope so, I really do. I have no idea what I'll do if it can't.
I do think it's normal to doubt like this, and I think all relationships go through this kind of phase. It doesn't mean the relationship is bad, it just means we're still growing and we need to make adjustments for that. I also think I'm allowed to be sad that I can't have the perfect romance-novel relation where once we realize and declare our true love, all the problems are solved and life is blissful forever more. I'm mature enough and secure enough to realize that's not something I really want. If everything were perfect, I'd be looking for the smoke and mirrors. I love the man, he loves me, and we are figuring out our way together in an imperfect world.
Today's topic title brought to you by Bob Marley and the Wailers. The chorus of that song goes like this:
Don't worry about a thing/ because every little thing is gonna be all right.
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