FishDreamer scribbles: It ain't over yet.

Wednesday, 31 March 2004

Do Your Self-Exams

I went running again today. Wore the running tights Mr D's mom got me for Christmas, and I need to write her a thank you note. They are the most comfortable, warm, soft, wonderful running tights ever. Love them. I also love the shoes on relatively flat surfaces, so now I will be looking into acquiring another pair and finding trail shoes in the next few months.

The run felt good, although it's left me with some stiffness right now in my back. I'm stretching and sitting up straight. It's a passing thing; as I run more often, it won't happen so much. It's cold out there, and was threatening rain, but I went. And I've found that my aerobic capacity is greater than what my legs can bear, so far. Need to run two to three times a week, and build up the mileage and speedwork for the half marathon in July.

I know I'm crazy, but I'm all excited about it. It's all through my town, which should be really fun. And it's less hilly than the one I want to do in November. Yay half marathons! I have training goals!

I found a link to some fun and funky handmade womens clothes: Beqi Clothing. (Link courtesy of Heather Corinna, (boobies!) who is having a really bad week right now. I spent some time shopping for summer work clothes, and am thinking the Vespa dress and the Coco dress must join my closet. I don't have nearly enough dresses for work, and these are so cute and reasonable. I showed them to Mr D and he thinks they're cute too, although is a bit bemused at my sudden desire to clothe myself in polka dots. But they're cute!

I got a ton of stuff done at work so far this week, so that's good. I'm feeling like it's almost under control now, and I'm beginning to remember that in a week I'll be in Hawaii. Eeee! Beaches! Warm tropical breezes and rum drinks! I can't wait to show Mr D some of my childhood haunts.

But I also am getting close to something else I keep letting slip out of my conscious mind. This Friday afternoon, I'm going in for my baseline mammogram. I should have done this three years ago, since breast cancer runs in my family. But I've put it off and vacillated and just not made the appointment. After my oncological gynecologist asked me three times over the course of a year if I'd had it yet, I finally got the referral and made the appointment. I'm hoping I get the results before vacation. I'm also hoping it doesn't hurt, and I don't get upset at having my girls handled by strangers, and that it comes back negative.

My dad had four sisters. The youngest died seven years ago next month, of stomach cancer and breast cancer. The two oldest have both had mastectomies, and one of them is in a study with a new drug. She's taking it for me, and her daughter, and her granddaughter, and all the other younger women in the family who are at risk. (Amazingly, my aunt who smokes is the only one who hasn't had a brush with cancer yet.) My grandmother's sister died of breast cancer when she was in her thirties. My father's grandmother died of breast cancer. (Dad told me that they never knew what it was, but he remembers the symptoms she had and he's pretty sure that's what it was.)

As far as I know, there is no breast cancer on my mother's side. But with that kind of background on my father's side, I need to be fairly diligent about getting mammograms, from an earlier age than usually recommended. To say I'm not excited is an understatement. Obviously, if I put it off for three years, I don't want to do this. I do self-exams every month, and I note the normal pains of the hormonal cycle so that I don't freak out when something goes owie. But I already had one form of cancer, which for some reason (psychological? no one knows) predisposes me for another. And I don't want to deal with it again.

I'm starting to get healthy and fit and happy, and this is casting a pall on me. I think I need to just get it over with, and then I'll be fine. If I get a clean bill of health, then I can go on with my life and stop worrying about it. If not, then I will deal with getting better again and move forward.

I just realized this is probably the thing that's keeping me up at night. I've been all filled with worry and sad stories and restlessness, because I'm fretting. Don't want to do it, don't want to know if it's bad news. But I must. Because I can honestly say that I really, truly, completely don't want to die yet. I have too many books to read! (Among other important things to do, of course.)

For a change in pace, I leave you with a picture of me from our trip last September. For some reason, I like this shot.

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