FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 31 December 2004

End of the Year

Let's see if I can get myself through a year-end wrap up. I don't want to run down what I did or how I felt, but some things stand out.

The very biggest thing that happened to me personally this year was Howard Dean. I still believe. I got to meet him (briefly) a few times, and I cried every single time. I wrote him to tell him I completely supported his bid to become head of the Democratic party. I do, I think it's the only thing that can save the party from irrelevance. A lot of people have written it off already.

Politics dominated this year, of course, and not necessarily in a good way. I got disillusioned and depressed after our precinct caucus, and it took me a long time to rally back after that. I really wanted to believe that the November elections would bring the needed change, but I couldn't. I tried. I played the "fake it 'til you make it" game, and I got people to vote. I gave money, I talked, I wrote, and I hoped.

It's been a horrible year for tragedies. Part of me is wondering what Gaea is up to, and part of me despairs. I've been talking with some of my mystical friends about what's coming, because we all believe something major and decisive is on the way. I had a chat last night with one of my friends from my women's group, and we agreed that we're both frightened, but ready. It's time. I've been saying for years (at least ten now) that my country cannot remain a viable single entity in my life time, and the signs are only increasing. It's quite, quite frightening, because I can't believe that it will be a peaceful change. But it's coming, and it will be exciting and scary and amazing. I hope.

I went to Rob Brezsny's astrology site yesterday and checked what he's got up for me for 2005. And I just laughed. I've been feeling a shift in my inner landscape back towards spirituality, and I get this quote from Lao Tsu:

Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found.

And this quote from Joseph Campbell:

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature.

So my job this year is to meditate on these and "how these themes articulate two angles of approach to the same joyful work." Right smack between the eyes, that is. So, for 2005, I will focus a bit more on my spiritual self, who I am and what I want out of that, and how to make that an integrated part of my life again. It's about time, don't you think? I've been talking about reading The Quran, I've been picking up bits of Zen Buddhism, and I've been pondering what I actually believe. It's been interesting, but I need to do something more structured about it. Suggestions welcome, although I can't promise to take them. It's a very personal thing for me, and I'm quite protective and internal about it.

I can say that I believe in reincarnation, and I believe in the immanent deity of every living thing and some that aren't living. God/Goddess is part of everything, without limits. I don't honestly believe in one true God above all things, but I'm not sure I'm exactly a pantheist either. Deity is part of everything, and the Gods are archetypes for faces of the divine. It's very useful, but I can't say I would worship a specific god or goddess to the exclusion of others. And I have a very personal relationship with my divinity, in all its incarnations and meanings.

I don't normally talk about religion, neither here nor to friends unless we're discussing concepts rather than our own beliefs. I think I need to open up a bit more about it, but I haven't figured out yet how to do that. It will probably be an organic thing, as things happen. We'll see. Questions are welcome and just fine, but I don't know how much of it I'm willing to put out there. It will be as it happens and shall be, that's all. I don't understand people who feel the need to shove their religion at other people. It's too personal for that. I have a mystical personal bond with divinity, and while I share it with millions of people, it's not public. It's not something to force on people. Every one of us has our own relationship with the divine, which is perfect for each of us. Public worship is one thing, but forced actions have no heart or soul and are meaningless.

All of this is part of why I don't talk about it. Can you see how much trouble this sort of "heresy" could get me into, especially with the "christians" who are currently stealing power everywhere? Yeah. So, again, we'll see how it goes. I have a sort of sinking but empowering feeling that I am coming to the end of being willing to hide for safety's sake though, so this could be a rather exciting year. I don't think of my beliefs as strange, but many other people do.

So, I say good-bye to a sad, disappointing, sometimes scary year that contained much personal growth and soul-searching that now needs to manifest into the material plane. And I say hello to a new year, with adventures and trials and growth anew. I hope.

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