FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Thursday, 2 September 2004

Do I have to have a career?

Okay, it is that bad now. Yesterday afternoon I found myself thinking about new jobs and other things I could do and maybe the idea of not working. When I realized what I was doing, I brought myself up short and thought, shit, I need to talk to the boss. But it takes me a while to get there, because I am not sure how much the extenuating circumstances of season and cycle are coloring my moods, plus he's in training so not particularly available right now.

And then today, I pulled up my resume to revise it. In the process of going over which little bits I can't even remember and therefore should remove, I realized that what I do is not technical writing anymore (not entirely, anyway) and if I do decide to start looking out there, I need to completely revamp my resume. Which means I need to know what it is I do, and I need to research what kinds of jobs do that work.

A lot of what I do is the result of circumstance and inclination. I do lots of editing and some writing, but most of it is the result of work I came up with on my own. I go to staff meetings, I listen to people, I figure out the processes and then I document them, which helps improve them. I also am good at spotting places where we need some kind of documentation, and then creating it. I'm an organizer, I am an ear for anyone with a problem, and I tend to be a bit of a peacemaker and motivator.

Please tell me this doesn't sound like management. Because I'm starting to suspect that all of my skills and inclinations are pushing me that way, where I don't think I really want to go. I'm not a spotlight or authority loving person, I like the behind-the-scenes contribution and the execution of authority, not the weilding of it.

Career decisions are not my favorite thing. I just want to be happy and have interesting, challenging work. Is that so hard? I have battles to fight in other places, I donít want to do it here too.

And I'm being sent to technical training classes that are ever-so-slightly above my head. This is scary. This is also a great opportunity, and opens the possibility that I can move forward with that part of my career plan. If I have to be management some day, let it be technical management. I'm too much of a dork to do any other kind.

And the shit going down at work is of the internal battle and new overlord kind. I can't control anything, but I have some stuff I simply must sit down and talk to my boss about. I'm going crazy, and I can't actually get anything done at work right now because I am so very worried about everything. At least today people were talking to me. First time this week. I don't know if they've been avoiding me or if I've just been missing the cues, but it's been lonely and anxious at my workplace this week.

I don't want a new job. I want my job to get better. I want to be effective, I want the shit to stop hitting the fan every five minutes, and I want to know what the fuck is going on. Because something is, and it's affecting everything.

Yeah. Tomorrow. Don't want to go through the whole holiday weekend without at least airing my concerns. And then! Three day weekend! Niece birthday! Dad in town! Bourbon! Yay!

Wound up in knots, I am. Wish me luck tomorrow.

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