FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Wednesday, 2 February 2005

Little Blips

I just got off the phone with Husband, who sounds as wonderful as ever and immediately started making plans to visit. It was an accident of fate that he heard Mr D's voice on the answering machine Monday night--his cats were on the dresser and somehow turned up the volume. He never answers that phone, and we didn't have his other number.

It is such a relief to be back in touch. I can't wait to see him! And sit back with a glass of wine and discuss everything. He's the one who introduced me to wine, back when he was the head waiter at the restaurant where I worked. Sigh... Husband!

We're off to fencing class in a little bit here. I'm still nervous. I know I can handle it, but the aggression and need to be restrained in emotion while fencing are not things I'm good at. I don't know if I'm hoping this will help me in those areas, or if I didn't think about that before we signed up. Tonight, if we do get all decked out in gear and start playing with foils, at least I know I will not be working with a partner. We'll be set to work with wall-mounted targets instead.

I can feel myself getting anxious just typing that. Damn. I do not want to stress myself out here, I just want to go play and have fun and learn new skills. I need to separate the fight or flight portion of my brain from this activity. Is that possible? This is not a fighting skill, it's an art form. At least in this day and age, and this place, that's how it is. I must remember that.

I really wonder what happened in a past life to make me so completely unable to handle conflict. I do know that withdrawing myself from being competitive or even being in competitive situations is not helping me out here. Which may be part of the impetus that got me signed up in the first place. It's a controlled situation, with strict rules and standards of behaviour. So I can learn how to channel some of the aggression I don't usually allow out (especially facing other people), and have fun learning. It's not that I'm horribly aggressive, it's that I don't allow that side of myself out in a context with other people.

And I must go, it's that time. Wish me luck!

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