FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Thursday, 2 December 2004

O Husband, where art thou?

Today is a day for singing. I've been singing along to everything all day, having a pretty good time although most of the time it's not out loud. There is a guy who sings along to his seriously bad 80s pop at work sometimes, until I start throwing things at him. He acts like he's in his living room, which I consider fairly rude in an open office setting.

But right now, If You Come to Me is on the player, in all its layered harmony and girly pop sappiness. The chili is in the final stages, the rice is almost ready, I have done 45 minutes of tae bo and I'm kind of sweaty and feeling good. I hope Mr D gets home soon so he can have some chili with me. All I need to do is grate the cheese and we're ready to go. Some days are just like that.

I paid all the bills this afternoon, which was a little scary but it's very comforting to know we have the money, and we're so close to being done with Christmas that we are not going to be worried about money before the next paycheck. All I need is a case of tomato sauce to know I have everything I need in the house to feed us for a month, should the need arise. Given some of the scary times we've had, that is a wonderful feeling.

I talked to my sister a few days ago, and she's bringing the kids over to bake holiday cookies in a couple of weeks. They're also going down to Oregon to visit her in-laws for the week before Christmas, so they're coming over for Christmas dinner. I'm so excited! We had them over for Thanksgiving two years ago and it was really fun. My in-laws will be here, and they've only met Sis and family once, at our wedding. I imagine it will be good. Sis doesn't really like to cook, so I like giving her the day off like that. Especially since, between my MIL and I, the love of cooking is pretty strong. It will be a very good meal, and I'm kind of thinking of asking MIL to show me how she makes dressing (sausage and dried apricots). I know Mr D likes it, need to check with the others before I decide on that or the apple & sausage I usually do.

Yes, Christmas is a turkey for Mr D's mom. Yum. I also left a message for my brother inviting them up. Not sure if they're going back to North Dakota where his wife is from or not, but I'd love to have them if they're not. I should probably have asked Mr D first, and we still don't know if Mr D's brother is coming or not, but we have two leaves to extend the table if we need to, and I'm sure I can get a big turkey.

I don't do family dinners very often, but I really love to cook. That's pretty obvious, isn't it? I also love to make my house all welcoming and good-smelling, and having my family around. We haven't always had that, particularly in the years since my sister and I went away to school.

Now if only I could get ahold of Husband and see him. I sent him a postcard, we've both called and called, and nothing. I am so horribly worried about him. I shouldn't go there, but he's a gay man in his late forties, and I'm just worried sick. He's never been the best at keeping in touch, but he's never left us hanging for nearly a year like this. His answering machine still picks up so I think he's around, but... But. Why won't he call me back? What's wrong? It can't be something good keeping him from the phone, not for this long.

He's a combination of my other brother and my best friend and a could-have-been lover (were he not homosexual), and it hurts not to know where he is.

It's because of him that I knew another two men who've died of AIDS. Two of my high school classmates (from the public school I went to before the all-girl boarding school) have died of AIDS, and two of the men I met through Husband have also died. They've been gone a while, and I can't say I knew them all that well, but I definitely considered them friends. One of them is the man who made Husband promise to go in drag to The Prom You Never Went To. I helped them dress up, although this particular man had done drag for a while and knew what he was doing. I did everyone's makeup, and applauded and laughed and didn't get invited to go along (which is fine, I didn't expect it, but I would love to have been a fly on the wall). He was the one I had a conversation with about high heels and the pain of wearing them.

The other one was a Lutheran minister who was the most wonderful person. I was invited to an Orphans Easter Dinner at his house. He got sick shortly after he was ordained, and I guess he didn't last very long after that. (He also looked like the lead singer of Spandau Ballet, which was fairly attractive to someone like me at the time.) I think they were both about ten years older than Husband, and they've been gone at least seven years now.

Didn't mean to go off on that tangent, but seeing as AIDS Awareness Day was this week, it's just as well. Do you know anyone who's died of AIDS? Who's HIV-positive? I miss these four people. They didn't deserve it. They were all good people. No one does.

Food's ready, I'm hungry after all that, so I leave you with a wish. I wish we could treat people as people and not as stereotypes or objects. I know it's a lot to ask, but it's something I strive for and work towards every day. It's a worthy goal. And it really shouldn't be that hard.

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