FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Saturday, 2 April 2005


Ever have one of those moments where something small, an incident or a word or the turn of a phrase, causes all these little pieces to drop into place and suddenly everything takes on a new meaning? I'm having one of those. I don't know exactly what it is or what it means, but I have this inner turmoil and thorough belief that when I figure it out, it could change everything.

If, of course, I ever do figure it out. Sometimes I feel incredibly dense and obtuse, and I don't understand anything or the relevance of what I'm seeing even when I do understand that there is relevance, that things are quite significant. I feel like I'm lost in a riddle to which the key has been withheld. It's utterly frustrating, with a pinch of excitement at the idea of reality shifting into new, previously hidden levels.

It's hard to write about this without sounding like I'm hiding something, or sounding stupid. It's hard for me to articulate any of it, because I don't even know what it is. But it's there, and it's coming.

We have my nephew for this weekend, which is interesting. He's nine, and easier to handle on his own than with his sister (I haven't seen him with his friends), but it's his first overnight here and I'm not entirely sure what he wants. Computer games, pizza, movies? Mr D just took him off to get some food. He's a wee bit of a pain, my nephew, but I think it's good for us to have him and him to come over and see what it's like in other people's houses. I get entirely too comfortable in my routine of Friday night pizza, movies, books, and computing all weekend.

There was a party after work on Friday to say good-bye to my boss (now my former boss), which was fun and weird. I overdid the whiskey sours and had to call Mr D to come to my rescue instead of taking the bus to the park & ride and driving myself home. I'm still not sure what all the undercurrents at that party were, and I cried a bunch after I got home. I think that was because it's really true I don't work for The Boss anymore. I also had a blunt discussion with my new boss about... Well, one of the things I am known to do is push my boss when I see something he should be doing. The (former) boss used to always say I managed him, rather than the other way around, and that he couldn't protect people from me if they did something wrong. Basically I asked him if he wanted me to do that for him, and he said yes. And he trusts me. Hmm. He realizes I don't quite trust him (which may be a good thing, or not, I'm really not sure).

We'll see what happens. I haven't given up looking for a new job, and one of my tasks for today is to work on my resume for one final round of reviews. But I have more hope that my number is not nearly up, because I specifically told the new boss that I get the feeling my place on the team is at risk and he was emphatic that's not the case. And I did finally get word from the old boss that he wants me on his new team. It's just not possible at the moment, but that was something of a relief to hear.

Does it sound like a lot is going on, or am I making mountains out of molehills again? I'm a bit confused, and I am sure I missed something in all of that. Hence the turmoil and clarity. It's too much, but I did get a good night's rest last night so that's good. And it's the weekend, which means extra rest. So I am off to eat chicken with the boys, and get back to my book. Currently reading Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere, which is amazing. I don't know what took me so long, really. Have a good weekend!

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