FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 29 April 2005

Reply, Connect, Acknowledge

I have been pondering a topic. I'm wondering if I'm scary. Am I intimidating? Is that why no one of the hundreds of hits I get a day ever writes me or replies to my emails? Or is it just that people don't actually want to know me? I'm a bit frustrated at the moment. It wasn't kicked off by this site, but by a complete lack of response to what I thought was a very friendly email inviting someone to a party at my house.

I don't get it. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with other people? Why do I reach out and reach out and try to make contact and give people my email address and never hear from anyone?

I know this society in which I live is set up to exploit our differences rather than to bring us together. I know I'm odd, I know I'm sometimes overbearing without meaning it. But why am I feeling shunned?

Maybe I've just gotten so internalized lately that I'm extremely tedious to the average person. My writing has slacked off in the last oh, I don't know, few months. I'm a bit overwhelmed with events internal, external, personal, political, and international. But shit, people. What is so hard about hitting the reply button and saying "thanks, but I can't make it"? It would really make a difference.

I understand that people are busy, they don't check email as often as I do, maybe there are negotiations or arrangements to be made. Whatever. I am simply feeling like the number of people I can count on to be there when I might be in need are very, very few. Even some of my best friends who've known me for years don't return calls regularly. (This is maybe not fair, as the person I'm thinking of who blew me off for a month is going through a hell of a lot, and I give her the benefit there.)

Or is the world collectively going through the depression I went through? I know for about a year there, I couldn't bear to talk to anyone. I had nothing to say. Nothing had changed, I felt like shit, and all anyone ever did was ask how I was. When one is suffering from mild to deep depression, asking how things are is probably the last thing you should do. It didn't matter who it was or how sympathetic anyone was, I simply couldn't talk about it. I had demons eating my brain and couldn't see any way out of the black howling pit of despair I was in, and I really didn't want to talk about that.

Is that it? I don't want to point fingers or accuse anyone of anything, but I get really tired of putting myself out there only to get a complete blank silence in return. I've been told I'm intimidating, that I'm perceived as having the power (or something like that), that I'm strong and opinionated and hard to approach. I am telling you right now, I love meeting people and making connections, and when I make an effort to reach out to you I would at least like an acknowledgement. It's very discouraging.

Duchess, J3, my Favorite People, Deborah and the Moderators, the Notify Crowd, and anyone I interact with regularly at the two other online sites I frequent are completely exempted from this rant. Just so you know, I don't mean you. But if you never reply to my comments or my email, I am going to wonder why. And I will eventually give up. You can try me later if things change, but I will want to know what was going on that made it impossible to give me the courtesy of a reply.

In a complete change of mood, let me say that Deborah and the Moderators is my new band name. For when I form that band I always wanted to have, you know.

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