FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Saturday, 28 May 2005

Life is Possibility

It's Saturday morning, I'm up earlier than I usually would be on a day like this. Third day in a row of scorching weather, so I'm enjoying the cool while we still have it. My dad's here, we're having a party tomorrow, and I'm doing a little bit better with life right now. I'm not particularly happy, but at least I've made steps to figure out what to do about it instead of just stewing in anxiety.

It's just not exciting to anyone else when I turn inwards, is it? I'm trying right now to figure out what happened to me and Mr D and if we can fix this, and that's not something I want to put online where it will come back to haunt me later. It's intensely personal and I'm not handling it well. All I want to do is sleep, which I believe is because of the lack of sleep over the last week and not the harbinger of a new round of depression. I'm on watch though. I also need to go exercise; haven't done that seriously in a week either. Being too tired and upset doesn't help, and then when it's 90 degrees out I'm not really motivated to run at all.

So what else can I tell you? I'm having a group of Chickliterati over tomorrow. There will be six or seven of us, at least, including three moderators. I'm all excited and hoping the party is rather mellow so I have time to sit and chat. The Chicklit t-shirts are in the mail, so I can expect mine in the next week. Yay! I can't wait to see it. I'm hoping it's in on Tuesday so I can wear it down to Portland for the Def Leppard concert on Wednesday.

That's next week. I still can't believe how fast this year is going. I feel like I'm being left behind a lot. But really, it's more I've got so much going on I can't really see outside my big pile of things. I just got handed leadership of a huge project at work. Remember a few months ago when I was wondering about that big huge job I might apply for? Well, this is the other side of that job. It's not my whole job, but it's going to be a big chunk for a while. It'll keep me busy over the summer, and I am going to need to brush up on my phone skills. (Bah.)

New boss does appear to be grooming me for a leadership position. This frightens me somewhat. But I'm in a position where I should be able to handle it. I lead and manage and prod and organize anyway, I might as well get paid for it. I still miss my old boss though. I've run into him twice and not been able to ask about jobs because either the bus came or other people were there. I need to do that. I'm afraid if I don't ask, he won't tell me (stupid HR rules) and I'll miss out. So I need to keep on that.

I'm trying to come up with anything interesting to say. Hmm. John Fowles just published the first volume of his journals, which I bought myself as an early birthday present. I took a peek in them and I'm awfully excited to dive right in. I love his books, I love his writing, and it should be fascinating to see who he was before he wrote them (I think this volume ends right before The collector, and I know it covers his time in Greece which is what I'm really interested in). I also pulled out his book Wormholes, which is essays and sort-of journal type writings. I bought it a few years ago and never got around to reading it. I guess I was waiting for the right time. It's perfect for where my state of mind is right now.

And he is back at the top of my list of favorite authors. I haven't made it through all his books yet, but I think I have them. Daniel Martin and A Maggot I wasn't ready for when I got them. His writing is finely tempered and honed, but his subject matter is twisted sometimes. Not evil bad twisted, more reality gets twisted and no one is sure what's really going on. I have three different versions of The Magus, with slightly different endings. How does that book end? It's left somewhat up to the reader to decide. Which can be the ultimate mind-fuck if you're not prepared for it. I love it. I love that it ends in a possibility. (As does The French Lieutenant's Woman, really.)

And that really gives me a little bit of a seed of how to approach my current life issues. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I'm not happy and there are things that need to be worked out regardless of any decisions made, but it's all possible. As the quote goes, "There is still hope." I can't remember which movie that's from - oh wait, yes I can. It's Arwen in Lord of the Rings, my least favorite character in the movies. Poor Liv Tyler just seemed in over her head, and way too young for Aragorn. Nevermind.

I'm off for more coffee and some housecleaning. Must weed the garden a bit, need to go running, stop at the veggie stand for all kinds of things (list! I need a list!), and we must head to Larry's for some beer and things. Find the cooler, make sure it's clean, all those pre-party things. Plus my niece and B's daughter are spending the night tonight, so I have to figure out where we're putting them. The book room doesn't have room for an air mattress at the moment. Agh. I forgot about that.

I want a less complicated life. In order to get there though, I think I need to be a less complicated person. (I don't think I'm complicated, but I've heard I am. I'm also demanding and pushy. But I care a lot, and I'll do anything I can for my friends when they need me.) Which reminds me, I want to say a big thank you to the Duchess for this week. I don't let a lot of people into my problems, but she's been the biggest help ever and so completely supportive in a time when she's not only just married, but also moving. I can be incredibly needy, I'm so much in my head that I get all tied up in knots and can't figure anything out. She helped, so much. Gave me the push I needed, helped me see things that detangled a bunch of it, and supports me no matter what happens. I didn't know how much I needed that. Should I need it, I have a haven. I can't ever be grateful enough for that.

Oh, and That Guy would like me to state that his name is Adam. He helped me a lot with the organizing things, he thinks the Duchess rocks, and he took care of me when I was ready to fall over from tired.

Right. Must go get started with my day. Have a good weekend, everyone, and Happy Memorial Day to the Americans.

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