FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Growth

I think I'm getting ill. This does not make me happy. I feel off, and things taste not quite right. I'm tired, I'm cranky, my head hurts and I have a sore throat. I supposed it was inevitable, given everything I'm dealing with right now. I just wish I could sidestep it.

I have all these little things I want to say. I think it's the result of having had constant companionship for so long. I always had someone to tell these little, sometimes pointless details of my day. And now I don't. I have my friends, and my family, and my writing. Maybe I underestimate, but it just doesn't seem interesting to post the small insights or happenings of my day. Like, I was listening to the soundtrack to The Legend of 1900 today and it kind of took me away in the middle of my procedure edits. Or that somehow the people I work with respect me, and I'm not quite sure why. (It's a long story.) Or, having a conversation this afternoon with my best friend at work about how we're not really friends with anyone else at work, because our outlooks are so different. It's hard being in such a conservative, corporate environment sometimes.

Little things, the trivia of my day. The small things we tell our partners, our families, our close friends. I don't feel like I have an outlet for those right now, and I miss that. I might start writing them down for myself and maybe posting here. We'll see. I've been low on content for a while, so maybe this would be a good thing.

In between my bouts of mild panic and anxiety, I feel pretty mellow. I have worked so hard to figure my life out, and in some ways I feel like I'm just starting to understand. I also feel confident in myself, for a change. Not always, but in general. I think I'm finally coming into my own, as it were. I'm nearly forty, I know myself better than I ever have, and I am finding my place in the world.

I don't know, it sounds so dramatic or like I'm proclaiming myself, and that's not what I mean at all. I don't think I'm amazing or wonderful or perfect or exceptional. I'm just coming to understand who I really am, right now, and to come to terms with who I am and what that means. I worked and fought hard for this. I don't know where I'll end up. But at least I have an interest in finding out, now.

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