FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Saturday, 26 March 2005


I'm having an extremely difficult month. I started an update the other day and then had to walk away from the computer, which in the meantime lost power when someone hit the transformer in our neighborhood. (We were at work, so it didn't really affect me except everything I had open on my desktop was lost.) I want to write, but nothing's coming.

There's a lot going on at work, and things are changing to such a degree that I'm honestly frightened and unsure. My boss is taking a new job, which makes me really sad. I don't want to lose him. I hope someday I'll be able to work for him again. In the meantime, I need to figure out what this means for me.

Oh, and I wore a pedometer to work that day. I was so nervous and tense I walked over 26,000 steps on Thursday. A normal day is between 10,000 and 15,000. (Normal for me, that is.) 10,000 steps is about the equivalent of a 5K (three miles). The only other time I can remember that I had that many steps in one day was the day before my brother's wedding, when Mr D and I walked from downtown Las Vegas to the strip and part of the way back. That's insane. Clearly, shit is changing in my life. I'm just not sure what to do about it yet, and I'm kind of afraid by the time I figure it out it will be too late. That's the way things are for me a lot of the time. (And what's the lesson? There is one, I know.)

My parents have been here for a few days, and they're now at my sister's for Easter. I love having them, and we had a great time out shopping on Friday. It's a strain, of course, but generally a good one. We're going to my sister's for dinner tomorrow, for which I baked bread and already sent over a bottle of wine. Should be a good fun family dinner. And I get to sleep in tomorrow with the cats and the silence and the rain.

It's been raining all day. We need the water, and I love the rain. I've really missed having a typical winter here this year, so I went out running this afternoon while the bread rose. I got completely soaked, I went longer and farther than I'd intended, and I laughed in the rain. I stopped to talk to a white pony on the way, which was fun. He looked a little lonely, but was not inclined to come over to the gate where I was. It wasn't particularly cold until my thighs and hands were soaked and I turned into the wind.

These days, I need the exercise. It helps calm me, it lets me sleep, it's counteracting some of my less than stellar food choices. It feels good and gives me time to be calm and happy in my skin. I am frightened and wary and really sad about a lot of things right now. I don't need sympathy or pity so much as I just need time to sit back and think a lot about all of the things flying by, and I don't think I'm going to get it. I need to step far outside what I'm comfortable with and call people I try not to bother to ask about it. I don't want advice, I don't want assurance, I want to know if I am capable of doing this thing. Several people who know me but have not actually worked with me think I can. They know I can. They think I'd be crazy to pass up the opportunity.

But what is my goal in life? The thing I want, most of all, is to be happy. I want to be satisfied with myself and my actions. I want to know I am doing what I can to make the world a better place. Honestly, I think I can do this thing too, if I'm given the opportunity. I will owe the Boss a whole lot if I do get it, because it will be thanks to him that I am able. He showed me how to handle things I didn't know I could. I learned from him some of the ways that a savvy manager navigates the shoals. And I just successfully diverted myself from the true issue again, didn't I?

It's not whether I can do this. It's whether I want to. It would be exciting, stressful, time-consuming, high-profile, and have a great influence on things. Probably. It could die an early painful death, but I don't think so. So, do I want to change my work style significantly for the chance to do some amazing things? I might. I have to think about it, and I keep distracting myself from doing that thinking.

With that, I am going to finish this and go away from the computer for a while. I have tomorrow to make up my mind. I have tomorrow to redo my resume for this one, if I want it. I have tomorrow to call up the two people I'm hesitant to bother and fish for more information. This would be a great growth move for me. It will also change things a lot. Some good, some bad, some unknown. But probably not for long.

Have a great Sunday, and thanks for listening.

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