FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Saturday, 25 June 2005

Take Two

I've already updated today, but I have something else to say so I'm writing again. I've been sitting in front of the computer most of the day, wishing someone would come online and chat with me. Jolene's gone camping for the weekend, I was offline for the best chatting hours, and I was too unsettled to call any of the people I wanted to talk to until it was too late to call.

I made it out of the house around 6 this afternoon (it was still hot and bright out, so it was afternoon to me). I went in search of size 7 bamboo knitting needles to replace the ones I gave away, but the store was closed. I will try again tomorrow, and return my library books at the same time now that I've finished them. I got home and parked myself back in front of the computer, but I have had very little luck getting the focus I need to do the freelance work I have to do this weekend. Tomorrow's going to suck that way, but that's too bad. I needed today for myself, somehow.

I started to cry in the car on my way back from my fruitless quest. A song came on the radio, and it spoke to what's going on in my life, and I got sad. I haven't actually done more than dribble a few tears, but I've been on the verge of it ever since.

I gave up on the computer around 10 and went upstairs to lie down and cry, and still the tears wouldn't come. The cat came up to say hi, but he wouldn't stay next to me. I just laid there, still and lonely, and waves of sad ebbed and flowed and I couldn't hang onto anything. It's too late to call anyone, there's no one to chat with, and I just... I don't want to get depressed again. I don't want to get sucked into the featureless black plain of howling loneliness and sadness and despair. I can't do it again. I refuse.

Which I believe means I have to start making changes, now. I can no longer afford to coast and wait and hope and see what comes. I know I have to make changes, I just was hoping to have the help of a trained professional. But the counseling referrals have not yet been fruitful, and my state of mind and the good of my soul can't wait.

In some ways, I've already moved on. Mentally, I have. I'm still here, I'm still sad and torn and lonely, nothing has been discussed or negotiated or settled. We're both waiting. I don't know what he wants, anymore. I'm getting an idea of what I want, but there's a lot to wade through before I can get there. It's not going to be easy, I'm sure it will hurt, and I really hope I don't lose my way.

I can do it on my own, I'm sure, but I am also sure I don't want to shut out my friends. I did that last time I got seriously depressed, after the cancer and unemployment and then the World Trade Center attack, and I lost some friends over that. I don't want to do that again. I'm terrible at asking for help, and I'll almost always say I'm fine. I am going to fight to reach out and make sure I'm okay through this. I always want to help other people, and I need to remember they want to help me too. If they don't, they're not really my friends.

And that is what I needed to say. Thank you for listening. I'll try not to be tedious, but I do tend to labor my points until I get sick of myself. I also tend to overlook the obvious, so don't be shy in pointing things out if it looks like I'm missing something. I could use some help over here.

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