FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Wednesday, 25 August 2004

What's the problem?

So August is nearly over, and I'm still needing down time. Work has been overwhelming, capped by the slow, painful death of my laptop hard drive over the last week. I did manage to salvage my files, but it took seven completely useless calls to the help desk and an appeal to my old lead to get the problem solved.

I'm hiding out from most everything right now, which may or may not explain my minimal posting for the last few months. I'm tired. I want down time, with lots of books and no phone calls. I hate the phone. I almost never answer, and checking the machine happens once a week or so.

There are a lot of things in my life that seem to get postponed to the point of not happening. Avoidance is too easy sometimes, and it's something I really need to work on because I do it far too much. It is passive-aggressive and stupid and causes much grief, and I don't want to do it anymore. So how do I stop?

I go back to that advice my former employer once gave me: Do the thing you're dreading the most, first. Get it out of the way, and everything else will be easy in comparison to simply nerving up for that one thing. I also have a fairly strong belief in personal responsibility and owning my mistakes, which helps. But damn, it's so easy to just not return phone calls and ignore email and forget to buy airmail paper so I can write to my friend in Japan. I could write him on regular paper too, but we have a history of international correspondence and that paper is very important to my feelings about our friendship.

And I must stop with this. I was getting my life in order, figuring stuff out, and feeling on top of it all, and then I slid. And now I'm not sleeping at night, I'm stressed out and tired all the time, and I can't keep track of anything anymore. I have enough of a problem with the worrying, I do not need to add to it by being lackadaisical and flaky. I feel worse about everything than most people I know, except I tend to keep it inside until it burns holes in my belly and I start to scream.

I will not go back to being depressed. I need to talk to the man and get this sorted, I don't think I realized how very bad it is. And it is, isn't it? The world is a dangerous, scary, hateful place on occasion (and there are people in it who like it that way and want to hurt me), but I should not be feeling quite this bad. Oh, shit. I just can't handle it. I can't.

This is why writing it all out helps me so much. It helps me figure stuff out before it becomes a huge problem, and I still have time to avert a crisis. Working on it.

And I found my friend! I found a mention of him on someone from Juneau's website, and I wrote that guy and told him how much I wanted to be in touch with my friend, and he actually sent me the address. This is my mention above of needing that airmail paper to write him - it's that guy I wrote about! I need to do that. I also need to write back to the other friend I sent a letter to before. I don't want to start it up again and then drop it, it's too important to me. So, I will now get offline and go to bed. Hope you all have a great week.

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