FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Sunday, 24 October 2004

Yoga vs. Rage

I slept in until 11 yesterday, and until nearly 10 today. Got some sleep this weekend, I did, and I feel much better. I also watched Van Helsing with Mr D last night, and I know most people think it's a steaming pile of crap (and I can't say I completely disagree, either), but I still loved it. Makes me laugh, a lot. Not always when it meant to, but still. I needed something amusing and pretty, and I got it.

Which is good, because my overall mood these days is fierce. I am finding out the hard way that being hormonal the week before a major election wreaks absolute havoc on me. If I had my old insurance, I would have skipped menstrual week and just gone right on to the next month's pack of pills. But my current insurance, in direct reflection of the attitudes of the current administration, will not allow me to buy the next month's pack of pills until the week before I need it. And yes I'm totally serious here, this is a clear example of the consequences of rationing birth control that maybe no one is thinking about. I have no idea why they won't let me buy, say, six months at a time. Because usually one can get a discount when purchasing in bulk. Maybe that's why - they don't want me, the evil consumer of anti-christian evil birth control, to be able to save any money.

So, it's Menstrual Week at the Casa de Fish, and I am seriously bitchy. Mr D took me out to buy some picture hanging and cat box supplies, and after maybe fifteen seconds in a bastion of retail hell (commonly known as Chez Tarjet), I decided that would be my last outing in any such kind of place until after the hormone purge, if not after the election next week.

I have always gotten a little less tolerant during my monthly hormone bath, but this is kind of scary. The rising rage is not something I'm really equipped to deal with so well, and rather than murder some stupid woman whose child is getting on my nerves, I think I'll just stay home. I'll cook, I'll eat chocolate, I'll read good books, and I'll bite my fingernails and feel the bile and nerves rising. I'm not the calmest person at the best of times. I wish I could control it, and let go of the things I know I can't change, but I still can't do that. I'm better than I used to be before I took anti-anxiety medicine, but I'm still not really good at it.

Go ahead and tell me it's all far-fetched and I'm overreacting, and I will bite your everloving head off. You could ask Mr D, he'll tell you. I can usually calm myself down, and I'm very good at not reacting right away because I know it's not rational. But the feelings are still there, and the damage done to me physically from the stress and the anger that I'm not allowed to express is still there.

Yoga. Must do more yoga this week. And run. Exercise always helps the balance and the calm. Yeah, good plan.

Can you hear the anger and the nasty and the mean underlying all this? I can. I don't like it. I don't want to be that person.

So I am going to go do some yoga, and then I am going to write an outline for my book review for Chicklit. Which reminds me! Deborah, the fabulous founder of my favorite site, is keeping a Ramadan blog at Muslim Wakeup!. I've looked at the site before and been intrigued, so if you have any interest in knowing what Islam looks like from the personal view, check it out. I'm really enjoying it, and after yesterday's random blog perusal I picked up my copy of the Qur'an to see what it could tell me. I am not planning to convert, but it seems to me a wise thing to learn about it, since it forms the base of the lives of so many people. I also have a sneaking interest in reading up on Buddhism and Hinduism, but I'll get there eventually. Knowing someone who is that much involved in it has increased my interest.

Off to yoga. Just a short one before bed, but I really need to do it. I'm a little more calm now, but I know it's only temporary. Somehow I will make it through to the other side, whatever is out there. Right now, I am anything but rational or reasonable. I still don't judge those who think or believe differently, but I can't take much of anything at the moment.

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