FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Monday, 24 January 2005

Disparate Pieces

First off, happy birthday to my brother! Who is 37 today. I feel old now. I bet my parents do too.

I am just going to open my head and let things come out, rather than trying to pull any cohesive entry out of it. There's too much going on and I need to dump it out so I can look at it.

It has been emotionally painful to be me lately, with the result that I've distanced myself from most things. I'm keeping up with people, but not in any kind of interactive way. Mr D and I have been working through some of those issues that we have, and it's good that it's happening but it is not fun. I want it to be over. I want to move on.

Working out has been up and down. I want to, but I hurt. If I go to hard, I will undo any good I got out of physical therapy and I really don't want to do that. It's a pain, because running is one of the easier things for me to do (as far as actually getting to it, and doing it), but it also causes the most pain in my neck and hips. I want to not have physical issues anymore! Unfortunately, the closer I get to forty the less possible that is. It would be nice if the medical insurance company would work with me and understand that more visits now means fewer visits later on.

I want my neck to NOT HURT. Why is that too much to ask?

I have been slacking in a lot of ways while my attention and energy are taken up elsewhere. Chicklit has not seen much of my attention lately. It will soon though. I just haven't been reading and I've been letting it slide a bit since Christmas. Am reading now: Lynne Truss' Eats, Shoots, and Leaves as well as Appetites: Why Women Want by Carolyn Knapp right now.

I stopped and did some yoga, and it helped. I need to remember that, how much it helps relieve the pain. The problem is that most yoga cultures (not the same as yogurt cultures, I can't come up with a better word right now) believe that a menstruating woman should not do inverted poses. Now I am quite ready to dismiss ancient misogyny where I find it, but I am loath to do so when it comes to things with a mystical component. Is it just because women were unclean when menstruating? Or is there possibly some harm it could cause? I don't know, and I don't really have anyone to ask. Until I do, when it's that time of the month I cut back on the yoga. Especially as my favorite video (Ali MacGraw's Yoga: Mind and Body) has so many inverted poses.

So, what else is new? Work is good. My boss freaked me out by responding to my enquiry about advancement opportunities by suggesting I find people elsewhere in the company who do what I want to do, so I can shadow them or ask questions or whatever to move on. I sat on my bewilderment with that for a day before I realized he was offering me external opportunities and I'd meant internal (to our group). So I went and pestered him again, and told him he'd freaked me right out thinking I needed to leave my happy situation in order to advance. NO! He was being supportive of my career choices. So we got that straightened out.

I finally got a frame for my picture from Valley of the Temples in Hawaii. I got a shot of a sitting Buddha statue with a little bird on his head. It's in a zen garden, with the raked stones and a little stream with carp in the background. I love this picture, it's a soothing and wonderful memory to me. The developer people must have agreed with me, because they enlarged it when they made the prints (they do that, and offer the enlargements at $1 each if you want them). But it's a 6x8 inch print, and it's not easy to find frames that size. But I did, at the same place where I got the frame for the picture of me & Mr D that I put on his desk last week. A happy thing.

And that's all I have time for tonight. I'm trying to think of interesting things to say, but I'm internal enough right now that even the usual mental meanderings aren't emerging. I'll get there. In the meantime, you get this kind of update. If you have suggestions of topics you want me to write about, let me know. I'll certainly try!

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