FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Thursday, 24 February 2005

A Reminder to Myself

So, I bought myself something last week, and I picked it up today. It's the kind of thing I wouldn't normally buy, because it was more money than I'd usually spend on myself and it's not a necessity. I'd seen them about a month ago, and last Friday I took a walk at lunch to go outside and hit the market and look for something different for lunch. And there they were, right where I remembered them. I cooed and played and checked all the different ones out, and I realized I really wanted one for me.

So I let myself buy one. Two main reasons for this: this is my gift to myself for my annual bonus (which I got at the beginning of the month), and I wanted to mark this time in my life with something enduring.

So I got myself this:

It's not my usual style, and it's much bigger than I'd normally have selected. But I think it's beautiful, it's certainly striking, and I love the color.

I told Mr D about it over the weekend, and he came with me when I went to pick it up today. I told him why I got it, which is important enough to me that I want to mark it here. I bought this ring as a reminder to myself that I am worth treating well, I am worth taking care of, I am worth spending (my own!) money on. I lived for a long time close to the edge of being broke. I've been broke. I am fairly cautious about money and afraid to spend it on things that aren't necessary. (This includes clothes a lot of the time, but not books. Books are NOT a luxury except when I truly don't have the money for food either, which alas has happened.)

I make a decent wage, and Mr D makes even more. We're at the point where we're caught up for the years of unemployment. I still have credit card debt to deal with, which will happen when we refinance the house (we're in the process now). He got himself a new leather coat on bonus day. Last year, he got himself a laptop. I've gotten money for clothes, but that's about it. This time, I wanted something to mark the success I've had.

I had doubt, and a few mild panic attacks over the weekend. But now that this is on my finger, I have no more doubt. I love it. It's big, it's purple, it's really noticeable. And I can barely even tell it's there, which is unusual with me and rings.

I kind of got cranky about Mr D buying that jacket on bonus day. I've wanted the same style for years. I haven't had a brand new winter coat since 1984. I found out that style made me look like a heifer, so I didn't get one. I don't have any other particular coat I really want, and winter has kind of skipped us this year so far so I don't really need one. But once he spent the money on that coat, we paid our bills and suddenly the money wasn't there for me to get one. That pissed me off, which made me stop and think.

It's not his fault I take longer to get to the sticking point with things like that. He understands that I do, and it's mostly in my head that we don't have money. Well, we spend the allotment most months but we have savings and things. I have been operating from a mentality where I'm not worth it.

Recently, I got a quick reality check response from a friend when I said disparaging things about myself. And I realized I sell myself short all the time. I put myself last, I think I'm not worth it, I put myself down and treat myself worse than I'd let anyone else treat me or themselves. And when I realized that, I decided this ring would be a symbol to myself to treat me better. I am worth taking better care of. I started the Self challenge this week, which is another reminder. I want to get healthier and fitter and take better care of myself.

I don't know if that's profound to anyone else, but it resonates a lot with me. I need to treat myself better, I need to take my own needs into consideration, and I need to love myself as much as I love other people. This ring is a reminder to me of all that.

Isn't it pretty?

(Mr D took that, sorry it's fuzzy. C'est moi. And I'd been running earlier, so my hair is a bit messy. I don't care, it's not about the face except for how the face feels about the ring.)

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