FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 22 July 2005


Snippets of thoughts and meanderings from a cool, rainy grey day. I haven't the time or energy right now to pull together a proper essay, so you get this instead.

I love how some of the curbstones in downtown Seattle are the original granite. Mostly they've been replaced with concrete, but every now and then I'll be waiting at a corner and look down to see the old worn stone curbs. I like that. Seattle hasn't got a lengthy history, but it does have some, and this is evidence of that.

Why do I always feel judged? I don't really, truly think people are watching how much and what I eat or looking at my shoes or my ass and making snide comments, so why do these thoughts go through my head? No one cares if my outfits aren't usually all pulled together, least of all me. Nobody is watching me down a sandwich with relish and thinking, Wow, she's fat and shouldn't be eating that. I don't look terribly athletic, really, but I don't think I've got much to worry about. I admire women who take some care for their appearance (the kind who style their hair and wear outfits), but I am not and will never be one of them. I've got different priorities, that's all.

I hope it doesn't get all hot and sunny this afternoon. I'm wearing jeans and a tank top with a grey zip-up sweatshirt, and the tank top is really not work appropriate. It was pouring when I came to work, and I'd like some more rain please. It rained too much for me to go out to the woods tonight, so I was looking forward to a nice run in the rain. Not looking like that will happen though.

Which is just as well, because I have two outdoor parties tomorrow. Barbecues are just not the same when it's raining.

There's a particular look that I wish I could achieve, when I wear jeans. Unfortunately, I have not the proper physique for it. I am a bit tall for my generation, but the extra height is mostly in my waist rather than my legs. I have short legs for my height and gender. (Does this make sense? Women tend to have longer legs in reference to their height, but I don't. I don't exactly have stubby legs, but they're shorter than you'd expect for my height. Just like my feet are smaller than you'd expect of someone my height.)

Most of the time I'm comfortable with my body, but lately I've been a lot more self-conscious than usual. I know there are reasons for that, but still. I have been indulging my senses lately to an extent, which includes food and drink more than usual. And then I touch my soft belly and think, I'd like to maybe not be quite so soft. I haven't exercised much at all in two weeks, and I need to. I can feel it. In order to get back to it, though, I need to cut out the evening activities. Be social, or go running. Those are my options, some days. I want to do both! Getting to bed a little earlier would mean I could maybe get up and exercise in the morning, but I know from experience that tends to leave me a bit spaced out all day, and I don't want that.

Running tonight, one way or another. Yoga tomorrow, in the morning. Running on Sunday. Monday my sister will be over, so maybe we'll go for a walk or over to the pool or something. Tuesday I have the evening to myself and I am going to take advantage of that. Suggestions? Let me know.

I am having a craving for a garlic bagel with garlic chive cream cheese. Oh, my. This is entirely the fault of the garlic-heavy menu last night. Garlicgarlicgarlic.

Hanging out with my sister's kids tonight, yay. Except for the part where I'm really tired and I want a nap, plus I want to go running. I had thoughts earlier of making it reading night for everyone, so we all can have separate rooms and hang out with our books. Then no one will know if I conk out, right?

I want to go shopping, but I don't really know what for. Still want a pair of green sandals, now that summer is half over. Why do all sandals this year have to have either serious heels or something between the toes? Or both. I want cute green flat strappy sandals!

Last Night
Went to Teatro ZinZanni last night with one of our vendors, and had a wonderful time. It was tremendous fun, and amazing, and then at the end the soprano sang Nessun Dorma and I got all choked up. The guys around me were apparently amused by this, but I paid them no heed and just listened. It's one of the most overdone songs, but it was still wonderful.

The food was interesting and pretty good, and the chef who designed the menu was there. (Tom Douglas, who has made quite the name for himself with his food and his books.) He was at a table right across from us with his family, and I know he caught me watching him once. Whoops.

The wine was amazing - a chateauneuf du pape. Hadn't had that before, and I really liked it. I could have done without waking up in a panic at 6 this morning thinking I'd gotten drunk and made an ass of myself, but apparently my mind will do that to me even when I have done no such thing. I need to work on this, it happens all the time. Happy fun convivial evening, I didn't drink a tremendous amount, and still I wake up going through every thought, action, and word trying to find the ones that will get me in trouble. I need to stop doing that to myself.

Oh, and they had a face painter making the rounds. The guys wanted me to do it, so I let her paint a peacock feather on my forehead and some Egyptian lines around my eyes. (Just as well one of them gave me a ride to my car; I can imagine the looks from the drug dealers on Third if I had to wait for a bus.)

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