FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Tuesday, 22 February 2005

Anything But Serene

The anxiety is rising again, to the point where I don't want to read my email and I won't answer the phone. I hate this feeling. I can't sleep, my eating is wretched, and I want to crawl into a cave somewhere and not come out until it's over.

Some of it is work. I hate my job right now. We have a whole new team with which we need to integrate, and I'm all frustrated that all the work I did last year with the current team has to be done over again, with people I don't care for. I'm done. I want out. I want a new job. Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of trying to figure out what it is I actually do, and I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'd love to be a technical writer/editor, but there is little call for those anymore and I have amply demonstrated that I really need security in my job.

It does not help at all that I am realizing I kind of wish I didn't have to work. But I do. To heighten the drama, my car is currently non-functional, Mr D's car is dying a slow, painful death, and the Orange Behomoth is not insured and usually requires a moving start. Not a happy thing, and it all adds to my anxiety about finances and security. We're trying to refinance the house before interest rates go berserk, so now is a very bad time to look for a car loan (although I'm sure rates are lower now). Mr D's mom is giving us her car in October, we just need to hold out until then.

The work thing is the culmination of all the things I've been trying to work around for the last year. I no longer report to the boss I've had for three years, I have to report up through his subordinate manager. That manager wants me to be more of a team player on his team, instead of doing my own thing between and for both teams. I kind of felt like I'd been abandoned when I realized what was going on, which led to a small bout of crying at the wrong moment this afternoon. Bah. I am sure things will be fine, and I finally made it clear I don't want to be an engineer on that team. I don't want to do operations work, I don't like it. I want to do brain work, not hand work.

Not to belittle the value of what the engineers do, not at all. But I am best at thinking, at solving problems and seeing where there are holes to be filled. I'm creative, not concrete. I need to feed my brain, and I can't do that with repetitive tasks no matter how creative they've had to get in fulfilling requests. I simply don't like that kind of work, and I can't spend eight hours a day every day doing something I don't like. I've done that before, to get through school. No more!

And I don't want to be a project manager or a manager. I like controlling my own work, not directing the work of others. I feel lost and abandoned and miserable right now, which makes me less able to cope with the rest of my life.

But really, aside from cars (which we don't need so much right now), most of my life is going fine. I don't know why I keep waking up at 2 in the morning in a panic about things I've already taken care of. All weekend I did that, repeatedly waking up with my mind screaming, "Oh shit, you forgot to ___!" Which I hadn't forgotten at all. I take this as a sign something's bothering my conscience, and I need to find out what it is before I drive myself back to the anxiety-ridden mess I was three years ago. I do NOT want to go there again. I'm hoping this is not a cyclical thing that I can expect every few years.

Last weekend at my brother's was mixed. I got to see Husband, and we bonded and shared much wine and catharsis. But my brother pulled a disappearing drunk act on Saturday night, and I never saw him again. I felt so bad for his wife, I don't know how she manages. I've known my brother can be like that, but he usually holds it together better when family is around. I'm guessing something sent him over, and then he's more comfortable being himself around me and Mr D. But it wasn't fun.

I did get to see The Vagina Monologues, in which Husband's niece had a part (the trip was organized around that). It was mostly incredible, with a couple of not-so-great bits. The performers weren't chosen for their performing skills, but for their value and service to the community, so I expected worse than we got. Husband's niece was really good. And I finally got to see it, which made me happy.

And I got to see Husband. No words. It was necessary and good and sad and wonderful. I gave him my emerald ring. He liked it, and it will remind him of me. I liked it too, but I rarely wore it because it was a gift from The German and I don't want to remember him. So now it has a new home and a better meaning.

Okay, getting all that out makes me feel a bit better. I'm going to pull up my resume and start fleshing out what I've been doing the last three and a half years, so I'm ready when I find that opportunity. I will most likely also talk to The Boss, but my supervisor dude knows I'm not really happy or settled where I am right now. I'm not sure if he thought I was serious when I said one of my goals was to find a new job. Actually, I don't know if I was serious or not. Guess I'll find out.

By the way, I got my hair cut. It doesn't look exactly like this most days, but this is how it was the day it was cut. I'm still working on the curls. I actually dried my hair the last three times, which is unheard of. We'll see how it turns out; I'm still not convinced I like it but I'm getting used to it.

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