Thursday, 21 October 2004
Some day I would like to have a success that isn't immediately or even prior to overshadowed by someone else's troubles. Is that really so much to ask for?
Mr D's uncle died yesterday. I never met him, but he was one of the few people who ever defended Mr D when he was little, and it's causing him some grief. And then there's his grandfather, who we both think is more than ready to go but unable. I don't want him to die, I really don't, but he's so completely miserable here that I feel guilty for feeling that way. And it's just such a sad situation that my small success of today is forced to be minor and mostly unnoted.
Which is fine, sometimes, but it always happens. And I'm just sick of swallowing all my happiness in the face of someone else's misery. It's not fair!
I would also like it if I were allowed to bring up my unhappiness with things and not have it turn into a discussion of someone else's unhappiness. Or a discussion of why I'm the problem. Today's discussion went a little better than that, but it still started out with me needing to say why I was so unhappy and ended with me giving sympathy and understanding for someone else's pain.
Am I just too understanding and sympathetic? Am I not focused enough to get to the end of my own issues, or is it that I am less screwed up over all and therefore able to help other people with their problems more than they can help me? Or what? (I know full well there are other options.)
I don't really have anyone to turn to. I used to talk to certain of my friends about it, until I found out that every time I vented about Mr D they took it as another reason why I never should have married him in the first place. That was distinctly unhelpful, and closed off the only avenue for feedback I had besides here. I don't like to complain about him here, it's not fair to him or to us. But sometimes I just need to get it out there and make sure I'm not crazy.
This is one of the reasons why I don't like to read my old journals. I tend to write a lot more when I have shit going on, because I need to get it out and process it. So it's a record of a lot of the unhappy stuff instead of the good stuff. The good stuff gets recorded here too, but not as much.
So, I had a fairly good annual review today. I was not mistaken that the boss would understand what I'm doing, and actually he can see some of the results better than I can. This is encouraging. I have a potential new direction to check out, and I feel like doors are opening. This is good. I feel more motivated to continue now, and to go back and clear out some of the mess I didn't have time for over the year. Hoping for that in the next few months, when things tend to be rather slow.
I'm also working out well and eating well, cooking dinner most every night and taking the leftovers for lunch. I feel good about that. More veggies, less processed food. And we're using up the very last of last year's meat, so we can start eating this year's stuff. Yeah!
Okay, I feel better now. It's not really a big complaint, and sometimes I feel mean and small for feeling that way. Thanks for listening.
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