FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Thursday, 20 January 2005

I do eventually get to the point

Hi there, how've you been? I'm well. Things have been up and down, but I'm running again. That feels awfully good. I have plans to run a half marathon in September, along with at least two 5Ks over the summer. Not sure about anything else yet. I don't want it to become a chore. I'm really enjoying it though. The little music player Mr D got me for Christmas makes it even more pleasant out there, although I am very careful about where I run and I always make sure I can still hear when it's playing.

I have a confession to make. Mr D took a trip to the video store recently, and he came back with the first season of Alias on DVD. I'd seen one episode before, and it was fine and interesting, but now... well, we watched the first episode two nights ago, and we watched another three tonight. I think I'm in trouble.

But it's a good thing. It's interesting and smart and twisty and something we can watch together. And! he also got me the first season of Popular, which is the only television show in the last ten years I watched when it originally aired. (Not that I'm a tv snob, exactly, I just never turned it on because I was always reading.) I can't wait to see that stupid funny bizarre and outrageous thing again. And the thing that attracted it to me first was that Craig from As the World Turns was in it. I loved Craig. Same actor (Scott Bryce) was in 2000 Malibu Road, a very short-lived evening soap/thriller that was up against Melrose Place (which I never watched), and starred Jennifer Beals, Drew Barrymore, and Lisa Hartman Black. Yeah. I liked that one too, but I think it only lasted five episodes. I wouldn't know, actually, because my roommate discovered MP around the same time and she won the channel choice.

So yeah, that's some of my guilty history. My mother still watches her soaps, and I used to watch them when I was home sick from school. CBS soaps. I haven't seen them for a long time, but some of the same people are still on them, so I can generally figure out what's going on if I do catch a day.

There's lots going on, and yet still nothing really going on. I'm catching up, we're figuring out what we're doing and I'm still trying to figure out how to live life instead of waiting until I get there. I don't know what that means, I just know I keep catching myself in a holding pattern. I know life involves plenty of waiting, but not as much as I do. It reminds me of Terry McMillan, with the waiting to exhale thing. Sometimes I'm not sure I belong here, or what I'm supposed to be doing, and I keep waiting for my cue. But there isn't one. This isn't a performance, it's my life. These things I do every day, all the time, are called living. It's not a test, and there's nothing to wait for.

So I'm working on being in my life, being present, and being active instead of passive. It's hard, it's slow, and everything is an adjustment. But it's worth it. Things are much more fun when you're there to enjoy them.

With that in mind, I am going to take my glass of shiraz and join Mr D upstairs. Have a good night and a great weekend.

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