Tuesday, 20 January 2004
I have very high anxiety right now. I know some of the reasons, but it feels worse than that. It feels like impending disaster. Low to medium level anxiety permeating everything. I have the feeling I'm going to start having a lot of stomach troubles.
But I soldier on, living and working and figuring it out. I'm trying not to run around wailing, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" or something similar. Really, I just want to live in peace and prosperity and not worry about The State of the World. Peace, man. Just peace.
So how is everyone? I had a three-day weekend and used it mostly to relax and enjoy. The party Friday night was fun, we ended the night playing darts and then went home to sleep for many long hours.
On Sunday, we went once again (with the friends we'd been with on Friday) to see Return of the King. Sigh. Weep and gasp and dream. I love those movies. Love love love. I saw a couple of continuity flaws, and I am still deeply bothered that Sam Gamgee moves me very little, but Oh! I am so glad to live in the time when these movies were created.
A world where this vision is possible and manifest is a world worth living in. That's all.
And I'm reading Christopher Moore's Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend. May I just say, "Hee!" My current mindset is filtering some of the hilarity out, but I can still see it and this book is worth a read. Especially worth it if you grew up in a Christian household, and I imagine Jews would find it amusing as well. (Anyone care to comment?) It's the book for the January Chicklit Fiction club book, and discussion has already started. I, as usual, am behind in my reading. But I'm working on it, and I hope to get there soon. Thank you for bus transit time, which is my main reading time right now.
I have thought about keeping track of the books I start, because the number of them I finish doesn't really show how much I'm reading. This month so far, I made attempts at Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress (which I started last month but didn't manage to finish), The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchet (which I got halfway through before I moved onto something else), Stet: An Editor's Life by Diana Athill (another Chicklit book, for next month's Nonfiction club), and Lamb. I think that's it; I'd have to look at the pile next to my bed to see if I've got something else in the pile there.
It depresses me that it's January 20th and I still haven't finished a book this year. But at least I'm still trying.
The problems I've been having with reading stem from more than one area. I am somehow evolving my thinking to where I am foreseeing things better. Like with mysteries, figuring it out before the end, and things like that. I am also not getting engaged in stories as easily as I used to. The Pratchett book is pretty funny, but it didn't manage to hold my attention. No, that's not it. It doesn't grab me and make me want to continue. I don't think it's the book or the author, I think it's me. And I am just pushing myself to read, whether or not I finish books. I just need to keep reading and eventually I know it will improve.
Someday I'll get my reading back. There have been books that have grabbed my attention in the last few years (Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters was one, and Between Silk and Cyanide by Leo Marks was another), so I know it's not all gone. I'm just reading harder material in general, and the stuff I used to read like candy (fantasy, mysteries, historical romance novels) isn't generallly as well written. And for some reason it is just not able to hold my attention anymore.
Okay, and I just realized the reason I gained a pound over the weekend is the same as the reason I'm craving chocolate: It's that time of month again. Okay, mystery solved and displeasure averted.
Moving right along now...
I am sitting here at a Perl group meeting, trying to follow the lecture on how to program in Perl. I'm not doing so well, as evidenced by the length of this entry so far, I started writing when I started to get dizzy from looking at the overhead screen (white text, black background) and my laptop (black text, white background). I like the guy who runs the group, but so far this one is just not doing it for me. Probably because I don't actually have the minimum background (Unix shell command experience). I be an end-user.
Damn, I'm menstrual today. I just started playing with Mr D's pens (that is not a typo) instead of listening to the discussion. Booyah. No wonder I wanted wine yesterday.
Work continues to be a challenge. The Boss is back, and I'm thinking I need to ask for some of his time so I can ask what the hell is going on because I'm feeling somewhat lost and adrift. I really want to help, but I am so far mostly just floundering. I don't like that feeling much, and it's not a particularly helpful state.
Somehow I have managed to talk myself out of being paranoid and anxious this evening. This is good. I hope I can maintain it, through the night. It is no fun waking up at 4 a.m. every night in a panic for no apparent reason, and I want it to stop. I keep looking for the thing I'm not doing that I can do to make the apprehension and bad feeling to go away. That's the usual problem: I didn't do something that I needed to do, or I forgot to do something, or I did something that I shouldn't (whether I knew that at the time or not). But there's nothing.
I got myself a calendar so I can keep track of appointments and things to do. I'm keeping it. I called my friend back, we're getting together tomorrow. The dishes are done, the check is in my bag to be deposited, the library books aren't due back until next month. I'm generally keeping on top of things and it really bugs me that I have this feeling all the time these days.
But I am doing my best to keep on moving and not let it hinder me. Here's hoping it's just my brain chemistry going a bit awry again and not a premonition of impending doom. Right?
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