FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 1 July 2005

Time Passes

Ah, summer. For the second time this season, I ran the five-mile course at my favorite trail - Shy Bear. Oh, the love! I haven't been running anywhere but on the trails since May, except for my one race in June. For which they promised the pictures would be online by the 21st, but no dice. Not yet. I just sent an email, I want to see my picture!

Anyway. It's Independence Day weekend, I have little for plans and lots for thinking. I go away next Friday on my alone-time vacation. I'm getting pretty excited for it, for a bunch of reasons. It's a chance to think about what I want and where I'm going. I'll be able to vent or cry or dance or whatever I need to do, without judgement. Lots of writing will happen, I'm sure.

And now it's July 3. I'm sitting here with a cat on my lap, feeling pretty mellow. I woke up with a sore throat and a headache, so I've not really done much. I went to my uncle's for a family dinner, which was really just nice. I hadn't been there in quite a while. It was just a couple of my cousins and their spouses, plus my aunt and uncle. These are the aunt & uncle who let me live in their basement when I first moved out here, and my cousin A who introduced me to Mr D the night I introduced him to my high school friend B, to whom he is now married. (Yeah, it's not really that convoluted but explaining it can be.)

I had a pair of Bloody Marias (bloody mary made with tequila instead of vodka), and some steak and really fresh, great tomatoes. We ate in their backyard at the picnic table. It was an early Independence Day family party, with no drama and lots of love.

Tomorrow, Mr D is going off to play paintball and I am planning to go to a barbecue with A & B, over at their friend's house. That should be nice, I like these guys. Saturday I went over to visit my former roommates (and their three kids) to drop off a baking pan, and ended up staying for dinner. That was a happy thing. We shared a house for six years, she and I, with her husband (then fiance) living there the last two years as well. They're family, and it's always wonderful to get a chance to see them when it's casual and relaxed. They throw great parties, too.

After years of never really leaving the house much, I've been quite the gadabout this weekend. In between trips to visit people, I've been knitting. I am very much still in my head about what's going on in my life. We had a counseling session last week, and are going again this week. It helped me, in a bunch of different ways. We'll see what comes out of that in the end. It was nice to have a safe place to cry for a while. I'm not good at crying, for all it starts so easily. I don't let myself much, I never really have.

And I'm sure the visiting with friends is partly to assuage the loneliness I feel at home. It also does get me away. I didn't intend to stay so long at my friend's on Saturday, but Mr D got up around 10 and sat himself in front of the computer for an online gaming test session, and he didn't really move again until midnight. He didn't miss me, but I sure would have been cranky if I'd come home early to find him still immersed. I left him alone to work, and I got good talking and quality time in with my friends.

That's what it's like around here these days. In five days, I head off for parts unknown and lots of time to myself. Until then, I'm just marking time and getting through the things that need to be done before I can take off. I know he doesn't understand why I need to go be alone, but I can't help that. I can only do what I need to in order to find my way back to happiness and fulfilment.

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