FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Sunday, 19 June 2005

Dancing Around the Subject

I've had this page open for a week and not typed anything. There's so much going on that I don't want to write about. I'm feeling better, I think I've come to some resolution within myself so I'm less emotionally variable. I've got plans, things are moving forward towards resolution, whatever that ends up being.

I have been pulling tarot cards and cards from my Animal Wisdom (medicine cards) deck. I keep getting messages that it's time to let go of the past and honor my inner truth, and that things are going to be wonderful. I hope so, I could use a little less sorrow and pointless misdirected effort. Today's animal wisdom is the Turkey: Let go and give away the past - Share your gifts with generosity - Feel the freedom gained. Which sounds really good to me about now.

That bottle of wine I drank last night was possibly not the best idea I've ever had. The walk I took at 1 a.m. to clear my head and commune with the night was though. I love my neighborhood sometimes, I really do. Not a soul was stirring but me, and it was comfortable and serene out there.

I am reading lots online, and writing a lot in my paper journal. Some day I will write here about all the stuff I can't say right now, I hope. But while we're going through this, it seems really disrespectful and counterproductive to post about it.

I did my annual benchmark 5K race yesterday. It was fun, it was good, I was a minute slower than last year but I'm not sad about it. I focused a lot earlier last year on my running. This year I've been more focused on myself in other areas. I run mostly in the woods, which I just love, but it doesn't really prepare me for racing the way speedwork on a track does. I finished under 35 minutes, which was what I hoped for. I pushed myself, I only walked at the water stop (turnaround point), and now my left knee is a bit cranky with me. The other thing running in the woods doesn't prepare me for is running on asphalt, so my knees got a bit more of a pounding yesterday than they're used to. I need to do some strengthening exercises too, to compensate for having really high knee caps. I am very happy to say that my back and abs are not sore at all, so those exercises are working.

I have lost more than five pounds in the last month. Some of it is the increased amount of running I've been doing, and some of it is that I'm just not eating much. I'm eating enough, mostly. I'm not drinking as much as I used to (last night notwithstanding). Something just clicked somewhere, I don't know why. It's good. Another five pounds this month and I'll be back where I was at the end of my first Self Challenge. Then I can wear the khaki skirt I bought that year, which would make me happy. It's got funky pockets and it's cute. It might fit now, which would be good since the weather's gotten warmer again.

I made garlic mashed Yukon gold potatoes last night, and a caesar salad, to go with the enormous t-bone steaks I pulled out of the freezer yesterday. My friend Nan came over and we went grocery shopping. Saw her sister, which was also good. I need to see them more often. Nan stayed for dinner. I hadn't seen her in ages and ages (since March), so it was really good to hang out most of the evening.

Anyone want to buy a really nice one-bedroom condo with an enormous deck and nice large living space on Mercer Island? Let me know. I'd buy it myself if I could, but I need more than one bedroom plus I have a house.

The cat on my lap just sneezed on my hand. Thanks, Tygg. She's doing okay these days; she's still on antibiotics and she hates getting the subcutaneous fluid injections. I don't like holding her while they're done either, but it really does make a huge difference in how she looks and feels. Her kidney function is never going to improve, so it will just have to happen. It's worth it to have her around and feeling okay.

I am going away for a week next month, which should be very, very good for me. I need to clear my head, I need to spend a lot of time thinking for myself and not being influenced by everyday things. I hope things will be a bit more settled by then, but I'm not counting on it. I will do what I can, that's all. I think that's all any of us can do.

Laundry time. I might go for a walk, and I plan to do some yoga later. That should help my knee, right?

Oh, and a very happy Father's Day to all the dads out there, most especially mine. Love you, Dad. You've always been there for me.

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