FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 19 August 2005

Stop and Go

My fears of desperate illness appear to have been unfounded. I am not all recovered, but I feel a lot better this morning. Sleeping in this morning (until 9) was apparently the right move. I'm working from home today, and taking a break while my work laptop gets its weekly virus scan (which can take nearly two hours, and which makes the thing nigh unusable while it's running).

I'm thinking about how often in the last while I've said something about the things I can't or won't write about. And I believe I need to start writing about the things I can and stop with the things I can't. Good idea? I think so. You all know, if you've been around more than a week or so, that I've got a whole lot of shit going on and I'm rethinking just about everything in my life right now. So I'm just going to try to shut up about all those unmentionables and try for topics on which I can hold forth eloquently.

It's Danskin weekend again. I'm signed up to be a swim angel and I'm hoping I'll continue to feel better tomorrow so I can get up at 5:30 Sunday morning and go do it. I know they have plenty of women signed up to be swim angels, but it would be really sad for me to miss it. They started the swim angel program in 2000, and the only year I haven't done it was 2001 when I did the race instead. I have my wetsuit, I have my swimsuit, I have my parking pass. I have no idea if any of my usual angel friends are going, but that really doesn't make a difference. Out in the water, it's just me and the triathlete-in-progress.

Mr D is going on vacation in 11 days. He's heading to his parents' house to pick up his new car (mom's giving him her old one) and drive it back. I am bummed I'm missing the annual Iowa trip this year, and that I won't get to see Uncle Hunter. But I need the time for myself, and I would be very uncomfortable visiting all his family right now, with all the questions about our relationship and whether or not it has a future.

My plan is to take off a few days around Labor Day weekend and sequester myself. I might go hiking or something, I might drive into the woods and meditate. I might stay home and write until my hand falls off. I don't know, I just know I am going to take time for myself, alone, to figure out what I need and what I want to do from here.

I wish the rate of progress wasn't so glacial, but I am not going to turn up the heat to speed it up. I need to allow myself this time to really sort through it. If it takes me a while, it takes me a while. Failing to honor my own needs is what got me here in the first place.

I am planning to make a list of what I need to sort through, and maybe do outlines or free writing or something, to get all the thoughts and issues and ideas out of my head. Then I can sort, and work through things, and maybe even not have to deal with it all at once anymore. I really need to get moving on my employment. I am not happy there, right now, and I don't see it as viable long-term for me to stay where I am. It's easy to sit and do the things I've done for years, and to keep slogging on, but I stopped enjoying it a while ago and I'm sure they could use my position better for another engineer instead of me. I'm sort of being offered the opportunity to become an engineer, but I don't like this field and it's somewhat limited. So I really need to get off my duff and do something, before it's too late.

So with that, I think I will pull up my edited resume and get started.

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