FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Thursday, 18 August 2005

It could be worse, right?

I appear to be the only person online tonight. All three people on my list who are logged into chat right now are away. Boo. I'm feeling surprisingly chipper, after not one but two bacon, avocado and tomato sandwiches (spaced about three hours apart). I've been sick for a week now. Some symptoms are improved (sinuses, headache) and others are worsening (throat, lungs). My sister gave me the cheerful idea that if my lungs feel that bad, maybe it's pneumonia.

I last had pneumonia when I was five years old, and apparently I had it bad. I remember being taken to the hospital for shots, and that I got a Mrs. Beasley doll. (Remember those? I wonder what happened to her.) My sister, who is older than me, remembers that I almost died when I had pneumonia. I don't remember that much, but I'd rather not have it again. Especially in August. Bleah.

So I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow to see what he has to say. I was also in Sacramento last weekend while they were spraying for West Nile, so it could be that. I did some research and found that one of the things they're spraying is known to be a mild respiratory allergen, so I'll be taking that to the doctor tomorrow as well. Woo. I doubt it, but it is kind of weird how I arrived there one night all fine and happy, and woke up the next morning with a raging sinus headache and runny nose. Could be some vegetation they have there that we don't, but I've been there this time of year before and not had a problem.

Other than that, not a lot going on. Work continues to be simultaneously stultifying and overwrought with excitement. I am still in need of solo down time, but that is not as desperate a need as it was a few weeks ago. I got some, for a bit, and it helped. Not enough time, but I'll be getting there real soon now. I also get to go have my first solo counseling session in a few weeks, and I'm both excited and terrified. I have no idea what we'll talk about. Same counselor that Mr D and I are going to, so I'm more comfortable with her than I would be with a complete stranger, but I'm not sure I agree with her assessment of my current state. Will find out in two weeks, I guess.

I just had a thought. I was dragging around like the undead all day today, feeling miserable and achy and tired. Then I came home from work and had food and tea (with caffeine), and now I still feel kinda crappy but I'm nowhere near as draggy. Cause and effect? I'm thinking I have to examine that possibility. I don't drink a lot of caffeine all the time, but I do have a cup of coffee every workday morning. I didn't do that today (I don't tend to want coffee when I'm this ill), and I'm sure that lack had an effect.

I'm still working from home tomorrow, and I'm still going back to the doctor. My lungs should not feel heavy and sore, no matter whether I've had coffee or not.

Some day, maybe, I'll have something interesting to report. There's a lot I can't or won't write about, and there's a lot I haven't processed enough to get out yet. I am digging so deep into myself that I'm coasting on the outside. And things are changing in some drastic ways, both the wonderful and the terrible. I just hope the wonderful wins out before the terrible consumes me, because I can feel the ghost of depression seeking me out again. Not going there, I'm just not.

Just hoping I don't have strep or pneumonia or pleurisy or some other long-term effect kind of illness. Please?

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