FishDreamer scribbles, one page at a time

Thursday, 15 January 2004

Weaving

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm having trouble even articulating my thoughts in my head, let alone opening up notepad and writing anything. There's stuff going on, everywhere. I had something I wanted to write about this morning, but now I can't remember what it was. And I had thoughts about the whole fitness and running thing that have evacuated the consciousness.

It's been hard, lately. I'm still happy, but there's a lot of remaining upheaval at work to cause both me and Mr D stress. He's been on retreat (emotional, mental, whatever) for over a month, really. I did all of the decorating for Christmas. I wrapped most of the presents. Hell, I bought most of the presents, excepting what we bought on vacation last September. I do most of the cooking, I do the dishes most of the time, and usually I do the laundry too. (Not now, he's been doing it for the last couple of weeks, which is so very nice.)

He's absent. We come home from work and figure out dinner, and then I come to check my email and catch up with a few sites (and read plenty of Dean updates), and the next thing I know he's watching Highlander episodes. He got the whole series on DVD, and he's spent most of his waking non-work hours in front of the telly. He still games some, but he hasn't been reading online at home as usual (I think work was slow enough over Christmas that he could do that there). He spent all of his time on the couch. Last night he finished the series. He hasn't moved on to the two seasons of Buffy he just bought, but I know he will.

I said something to him in December about feeling alone and lonely, and that I knew he needed the downtime and that was okay but I wanted him to know how I felt. Last night, after lying awake in the dark for over an hour after he fell asleep, I went round and round in my head about it. And after lunch, on our way back to the office, I talked to him about it.

I know he's stressed out and crunched at work. I know he doesn't feel like he needs to be "on" for me when we're alone, and that's his down time and decompression and everything. But I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm getting depressed. I want my husband to want to be around me, not escape me. I want some of his time too. I did not get upset about him being much more animated with his coworkers than he is to me, but I noticed. And I said something.

It makes me unhappy to do that. When he's already stressed out and withdrawn, I don't like putting further pressure on him to be there for me. But it's been a month! And I tried. And when I start sliding into morosity, I need to do something about it before it becomes depression.

How do we know when it's too much? When is the time to start the discussion? I couldn't talk to him last night, and I couldn't say anything this morning. Sleep, tiredness, and distraction got in the way. I almost didn't say anything at lunch, either, because we were out with some other people. But I got under his umbrella with him, and just started talking.

I used to be so horrible at that. I tried not to accuse or blame, but it inevitably came out wrong or too harshly. I think I got it this time, I sincerely hope so. He didn't do anything wrong. I just need my husband sometimes.

Yeah. That was my day. How's yours been?

Work is stressful, politics are at a fever pitch, I'm getting back into running after all this time with pain and the chiropracter (it's been since last May, dammit!). There is so much going on, but it's really not that much. It's just life, and sometimes I get worried that I'm not actually equipped to handle that.

All I can do is keep on moving. Living. Soaking in the experience, taking time to watch the rain on the puddles and the cats sleeping when I can. Working the tangled threads of work through my mind until they are all smooth and neat and clear. And loving the man and his cats for all I'm worth. This is my life, after all, not a movie or a book. Today's Medicine Card sums it up quite nicely:

Spider
Dance your dreams alive
Create from your heart's bliss
Weave the web you want to live

And that's what I'm going to do.

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