FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Tuesday, 10 May 2005


Some days, I feel like a pitiful little whiny thing who just begs for attention and pats and sympathy. I don't mean it that way, when I post about sad things or bad things or lonely things. I really don't. In some ways, online is the only place I can put something out where other people can see it that I don't feel constrained by who those people are. If I tell a friend something, I have to live with that friend knowing forever something I might have said in a fit of anger or despair, when really that thing once said left my psyche and I moved on. If I say it online, it's just as permanent to you, and it's out there for anyone to read, but most of the time I don't have to deal with interacting with you afterwards.

Some of you are personal friends, of course, and any of you who've written to me I feel a connection with, but it's not the same. It's not immediate, and I don't think about it so much. I have never, I guess, felt the need to censor what I say here the same way I do in person. It seems to me that you don't necessarily think you're getting the whole story, you realize there are things I'm not saying. It makes it easier to feel that way, for me. I could be wrong, but that's how I approach it. You all realize there are things I'm not going to put into such a public place. If you don't, you should.

It's now the 23rd and I never managed to get back to this. I'm just going to post as is and move on. I can't remember if I had a specific thing to say here or if it was prompted by someone else saying something similar. I have pondered that it seems safer to say things online to complete strangers that I wouldn't say to my friends, but then some of you are my friends now. I think I just wanted those of you who do know me to realize that the things I say here are sometimes things that I don't tend to tell people I interact with regularly. Or something.

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