FishDreamer scribbles: Seeking Serenity Online

Friday, 10 June 2005

It doesn't get better until you work through it

Onward marches time, and stagnant is my life. Well, not entirely. Work is good. Work is kind of scary in the possibilities right now, in an exciting way. Home is not so great. I don't know what to do about that. We sit, mired in our hurt and sad places, with no bridges across the chasm that has been slowly growing between us. Communication has broken down. Hope is dying.

I feel ill about it. Who am I? Not who I thought I was. Things I thought I knew, for sure, have turned out not to be true. People I thought I knew turned out to be something, someone else. Even me. I thought I knew myself pretty well, but I am learning things about myself that are painful. Things I didn't know I was capable of.

When it comes to the suffering, if it's between me and someone else, how do I choose? No matter what I do, someone is going to hurt. Usually, I find it easier to suffer myself. It's not a martyr thing, exactly. It's more a guilt thing. I hate myself when I cause suffering, no matter how well-deserved it may have been. I need to get over this, because I am so far from happy right now that anyone around me will suffer. The misery is like a palpable miasma seeping out, no matter how I try to contain it.

And when I sat down to write, I had no idea this was going to come out.

I love the Cars:

It takes a fast car, lady
To lead a double life.
It takes a good book maybe
If you want to do it nice.
When you idle at the stop light
You'd better get the signal right.
Light foot lady
You lead a double life.
Lead me from the wonder maze
Alienation is the craze
And it's all gonna happen to you
You think it's a phase
And it's all gonna happen to you
When you drive in a haze.

That may mean nothing to anyone but me, but that song came on as I typed the last paragraph (Double Life, from Candy-O) and said exactly what I needed to hear. Followed by Atomic Kitten's I Won't Be There. Hello, Universe, I hear you. I just don't know how to deal with it all. Can I have that sign too, please?

I suppose that's the lesson, the part I have to work out for myself. One of the hardest things in the world for me to do is knowingly cause someone pain. Deserved or not, necessary or not, I will do everything I can to avoid hurting someone. I will suffer to the point of stupidity to avoid hurting someone else. Until I can't take it anymore. And then the person for whom I've borne all this, who sometimes has little to no idea that I've done this, gets to find out in one brutal blast.

It shouldn't be a big surprise, but if the person I've been shielding is oblivious, it's going to hurt. Which will, of course, only cause me more pain. Because I enabled that ignorance, I kept the turmoil to myself, and now I can't anymore.

I understand that we suffer pain for a reason. I understand it is interfering with someone else's life path to try and shield them from the pain they need to suffer. But I don't understand why the suffering has to happen in the first place. I'm fighting hard not to get depressed and anxious, but I don't think there's any way to go through this without it.

All I want, right now, is a quiet mind and a peaceful night's sleep.

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